Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with'

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.