Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.