Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns he should be drawn and quoted.

Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.